Free to a good home

One slightly used Beagle-Corgi mix.

Eats her weight in food daily, and poops out same.  The voluminous toxic fumes emanating from her girth will be excellent for any household projects requiring the peeling of paint or clearing out of guests who have over stayed their welcome.  Will replace any Roomba vacuum cleaner as a green alternative for cleaning food debris from the floors, and requiring no electricity to run.

Her delicate sensibilities will not allow her to step on grass that has been dampened by dew, let alone the monsoon-like rains we have experienced of late, so she loves to pee in the house.  Will steal stuffed animals and random shoes to hide in the compost pile, as long as the grass leading to the compost pile isn't wet.

Loves kids, adults, and other dogs, especially those that will hump her repeatedly as she is definitely not an alpha dog of the pack.  Is afraid of cats.

Suffers from separation anxiety so if she is separated, even momentarily, from her family 'pack' by any door, she will endeavor to break or chew through it.  Bathroom doors included, so expect no privacy.  That failing, she will stick her nose at the bottom of the door and snuffle loudly, non-stop until the barrier is removed.

If left outside in the yard, she will dig under, chew through, or use her stubby little legs to throw her barrel chested body against any fence until the fence breaks.  Then she will gleefully trip trap through THAT wet grass, to experience some freedom and deposit more loads of welcome goodies on the neighbor's lawn.

Loves to bark at other dogs who dare to walk on her street.  Will make a good burglar alarm.  When the burglar trips over her dormant, snoring, farting, sleeping form, he will fall to the ground, where he will either scream or be immediately asphyxiated by her foul farts.

Any takers?  Available for immediate delivery.

Something I want to try...

Fairfax County is offering 'Weed Warrior' training to citizens to help clear out weed infested areas in VA - like all along the GW Parkway.

Might be a good Scouting program for older scouts.  Must be 12 years of age.

http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/parks/resources/ima/

A note about DC traffic to the Angry BMW driver on the 14th St. Bridge this morning.

Hello sir.

I can tell by your flailing arms, bugging eyes, bulging neck veins and specks of spittle flecking your interior windshield as you yell, that you are displeased with the state of DC traffic this morning.  I can also tell by your rage-infused sense of desperate urgency, that you are SO much more important than I am.  Judging by your pompous car and over-inflated sense of self importance, I am betting that you are a lawyer, late to your hearing in court, and I am sorry for your situation. 

I am truly sorry that lowly middle class workers like me have the audacity to block your way and hinder your progress to your vitally important court date this morning.

Let me clarify a few things for you.

1. DC traffic is bad.
2. DC Traffic is worse in the morning
3. DC traffic is even worse when it is raining.
4. DC traffic is even WORSE when the morons at the World Bank are meeting and blocking half of the city streets with their security cars and limos.
5. Honking doesn't help.
6. Repeated honking (for 15 minutes straight) doesn't help either.
7. Yelling at your windshield and beating the steering wheel won't help, but it makes me giggle a bit at your futility and wasted rage.
8. Following me 3 inches from my bumper won't make me go faster, in fact, I may slow down because of it.
9. When there are 137 cars in front of you, spread across four lanes of stopped traffic, on a bridge with no exits, there is nowhere to move that will make things go faster.  No matter how many times you honk your horn or beat on your steering wheel.
10. When you finally DO get that free space to pull off into a turning lane, it really isn't necessary to travel that one block at 70 miles an hour, scaring the tourists (who had the light by the way) walking in the crosswalk.
11. I had a friend hit by a car while walking in a cross walk by an ass just like you, and it almost killed her.  If you had hit those tourists, I would have gleefully testified against you in court. 
12. Turn signals are on the car for a reason.  Use them please.

I am glad you didn't have a heart attack, though I can tell you were close.  My natural morality and sense of goodness would have required that I save your life by stopping (in the rain and making traffic even worse) and giving you CPR, when in reality, my first instinct would be to pull a Jack Nicholson on your windshield with the baseball bat in my trunk.

Thanks for your attention, and just a quick wrap up... DC traffic is bad.  Repetitive honking doesn't make it better.

Happy Friday.  I hope you lost your court case.  Mkay?Thxbye