I haven't posted for quite a long time to this blog. The past several months have been fairly horrific regarding mine and my family's schedule, more so than usual. I may catch up on the specific details later, or not, but basically it has been event after chaos creating event, clogging my heart and brain with the flotsam and jetsam that accompanies the chaos of our complex urban lives. I yearn for simplicity, but it most often evades me.
Illnesses of others, illnesses of my own, death of friends, new babies, doctor's visits, travel, holidays, crazy pets, kids who have trouble in math, kids who have trouble with writing, kids who are pack rats, flu season, Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts, re-opened estates from generations gone by, the time suck of the flickering screen in all its forms, lawyers, lawyer and more lawyers, the never ending influx of kid related paperwork and forms to fill out and checks to write, scheduling summer camps in January for god's sake, people clamoring for me to go back to teaching swim, job changes for me (non-swim related), job changes for others, and as the King of Siam would say, et CET-erahhh, et CET-erahhh, et CET-erahhh. *sigh* So many balls in the air you just can't keep up and eventually they start to fall down, sometimes on your head.
So following in the footsteps of my father, and many others, I have been trying to take it one day at a time. Not borrowing trouble or worrying about things beyond my control, or way off in the future, but just getting through the day, and stealing quiet moments and joy when you can. But still elusive is the real serenity that you feel in your bones. A centered mind and soul. The kind of serenity that seems like it is very unlikely when surrounded by young children. But as my hooligans begin to age, I see a glimpse of possibility in my future, the possibility of some reclaiming of my sanity and grabbing hold of a bit of that serenity, at least occasionally. Someday, at least. It makes me yearn for that stillness even more.
The cost of taking things one day at a time can often be found when looking at my friends. I'd love to spend more time with many of my friends, and develop deeper friendships with others, but the desire to uncomplicate our lives often means turning down invitations, or not returning phone calls or emails with the speed and regularity that I used to do, and little time is left to write occasionally on a blog, among other things. I don't mean to offend folks. I am just trying to make it through one day and keep my head attached. I must say that the person who takes affront most often seems to be my mom, who just can't comprehend how busy I really am. Sorry, mom. I know you are really focused on planning the trip for August, and I am grateful to be included, but right now, I am trying to make it to sundown, then Sunday, and then hopefully to the end of March. August is light years away for me. I'm trying though.
Blah, blah, blah. What first world problems, I have. I am so busy, I don't have time to plan my vacation in August. So absurd I want to smack myself in the face in disgust when re-reading it, but there you are. I will shut up soon about my first world problems. I do know I am blessed.
But first, what brought me to fill the blank page again tonight was a movie I saw today. A movie called The Way, starring Martin Sheen and directed by his son Emilio Estevez. It was excellent. Just what I needed to see to remind me that I can find my path to serenity, if not today, then perhaps another day. I need to do it one step at a time and trust the process. Briefly, the movie is about a life changing journey taken by a grieving man, who steps off his hectic life path and takes a long walk along the camino de santiago as a method to honor and grieve for his recently departed son. Along the way he finds his peace and center. I finished watching it and was filled with envy about the ability to step off the rat race path and go towards that calmer, focused path. Envy isn't the right word, since it has a negative connotation, and I nothing I feel about this desire is negative. What I feel is more about hope.
I have been itching to pare down my physical possessions to help tame the chaos and confusion in my life. Feeling this need already, I was inspired by a post by the minister at the church across from us about shedding worldly possessions, following a passion, or embracing simplicity and giving yourself over to others. I watched this movie as I was cleaning out my closets (again) and weeding out the extras and trying again to get down to basics, or at least closer to the basics than I am now.
While, with little ones in tow, I am not quite ready to step off the known path to the unknown quite so dramatically as Martin Sheen does, I am drawn closer to it with every year that ticks by. I find myself often thinking of the backpacking journey I took after college with my friend Heather Jo, and later joined by my brother. 6 weeks with my pack. Walking, boating to train riding through Europe, Egypt, Israel and Greece, shedding worldly possessions as I went. Did I really need that extra sweater or pair of shoes? No. Leave it for someone who does. It was wonderful. I learned that everything that I REALLY needed, I could carry on my back. Keeping things simple was so freeing. I really want to experience that again. I think everyone should experience it as well.
I hope that sometime soon, I can get the kids and family on an extended walking tour and get them to experience that divine simplicity. You. Nature. A simple meal of cheese, fruit and bread. Clean air and open skies above you. Divine. For now, I move towards that goal of simplicity one day at a time, one step at a time.
For tonight. Watch the movie. It was wonderful.
